You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
