Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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