I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
