I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
