Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
