where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think people are normalizing furries
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
