I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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