he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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