she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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