It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Those nachos came to me in a dream
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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