I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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