You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
