Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
