thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
