Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
