My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
i've created a new STD.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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