I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
