whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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