allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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