I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
