She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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