We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
