his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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