Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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