why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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