I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
