He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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