Umm I'm too high to move.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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