someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Randomize
