'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
