I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
