if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
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