forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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