you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
