I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She bit a glass in half.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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