Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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