Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
