i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Naked Twister starts at high noon
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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