I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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