Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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