I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
All the doctor said was why
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
