I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
