i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
