Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
