He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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