For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
