I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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