My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
