I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
