Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
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