I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
