Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
