i wish my penis had a tongue
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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